capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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