I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
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Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
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Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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