Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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