maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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