I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize