found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize