Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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