I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
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It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
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WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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