I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
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Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
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You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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