last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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