and you said cock pushups were impossible
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
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We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
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College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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