i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
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I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
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My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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