Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
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If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
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My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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