During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
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I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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