I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
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I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
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And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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