i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
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So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
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I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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