Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
