I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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