My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
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If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
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He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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