he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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