I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Randomize