I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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