dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
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Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
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Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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