Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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