please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
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My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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