We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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