no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
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I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
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The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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