I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
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To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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