hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize