I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
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how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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