Rock
Scissors
Fuck
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
well you can't waste a boner
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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