dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
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you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
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If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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