my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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