At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
We need to get me chipped asap
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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