I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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