Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
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Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You may now shotgun with the bride
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
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Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize