i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
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She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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