Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
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Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
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Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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