I wish I could punch you in the face.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
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All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
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Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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