I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
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I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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