My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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