life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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