I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
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4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
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Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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