I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
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apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
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Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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