3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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