I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
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Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
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I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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