Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize