I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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