I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
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I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
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I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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