my phone needs a breathalizer
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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